Signs of Life: What the Hal?

Me and my dad at his cabin in NC, circa 2000.

If you know me (or have found me through this blog), you know I one hundred percent believe in an afterlife and messages from spirit. But this story is a little bit out there, even for me. When it happened, I didn't tell anyone. Not my husband Derek. Not my therapist. I only told my notebook...until now.

It never occurred to me to associate the character of Hal from the television show Malcolm in the Middle with my dad. Sure, they are both fathers, but mine was not nearly as hairy as the character portrayed by Bryan Cranston before he rose to Breaking Bad fame. Malcolm is a solid comedy that still holds up 20 years after it concluded its initial run. With a four-episode revival happening, Derek and I decided to rewatch the original.

It was during one of these viewings that I dozed off. Derek will tell you this is nothing unusual. I often fade out while watching TV. Not because the show is boring, but because I am a horrible sleeper. I can correlate this to my 19-year-old cat, who gets me up several times a night for food, water (he only drinks from the faucet) or just attention. I can correlate it to menopausal sleep disturbances. I can correlate it to having a brain that just won't shut off. Whatever the culprit, the bottom line is that I am often exhausted during the day and this results in nodding off during television viewing.

I'm not sure how long I was out. Five seconds? Five minutes? When I woke up, my dad was staring at me from the TV screen.

I'm not sure how long I was out. Five seconds? Five minutes? When I woke up, my dad was staring at me from the TV screen. I didn't know where I was for a minute. The disorientation was so acute, I couldn't claim with any certainty if I was alive or dead. I legitimately thought I may have astral projected to another dimension. It was so real. That was my dad on the TV screen. He didn't speak, just stared back at me.

It wasn't him, of course. It was Bryan Cranston as Hal. Derek paused the show when I nodded off, our 55-inch television in a freeze frame of Hal's face. But I saw my dad, crystal clear. Was this a grief hallucination? Or a visit from spirit?

My dad with my brother Mike, 1970 something. My dad with me and my brother Matt, circa 1980. My dad playing Wii Bowling (2012), one of his favorite things to do when he visited us.

Losing my dad has fundamentally changed me. The loss hits me in big ways and in small. I will never attend another hockey game with my dad. I will never hear him wish me, "Happy birthday, Darlin'" again. And I will never watch television the same way, especially shows with dads.

Derek and I have been enjoying the new Steve Carell series Rooster. He's a writing professor teaching at the same college as his adult daughter. In one scene they're sitting together on the steps talking. Viewers can't hear the dialogue, but it's an important scene. And watching it, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of a fictional father-daughter relationship!

It's ridiculous. But then, that's grief. What the Hal?